The date on the calendar is dramatically different and has a very different meaning....11.19.14 marks that day that Jim first told me he loved me.
So, I'm feeling a lot of things today and not sure how to feel...
I'm happy that the calendar date brings warm, fuzzy memories.
I'm happy because it's the "first official snowfall" and I love winter.
I'm happy because I'm healthy
I'm happy because we accepted an offer on the house
I'm angry because the date in my pregnancy brings terrible memories of 7 months ago when I was at the same point in my pregnancy, but knowing I wouldn't be taking my baby home from the hospital that day still haunts me.
I'm angry because I live in fear of losing this baby.
I'm angry because I feel so alone some days and that no one understands how I feel.
I'm angry because I should have a 4 month old instead of continually worrying about the baby growing inside of me.
I'm angry on how I have answer, "is this your first?" and how this will be a lifelong question, with a very loaded answer.
I'm thankful for the fact that we didn't have to struggle to get pregnant again.
I'm thankful we are fortunate enough to have children at all.
I'm thankful for the friends who randomly reach out just to check in.
I'm thankful for the support I receive from people I barely even know.
This rollercoaster of grief is never ending. And the stress of the holidays fast approaching is not helping. While I'm looking forward to the next chapter with this baby, I'm not sure I'm ready to close the book of memories I have with Thomas. I've read emails with notes about Christmas gifts for "great grandkids", knowing I won't even be included in the thoughts of those people because my child isn't living. These are the first major holidays without our son and all I keep thinking about is the fact that I'm missing a child in all of the celebrations.
I hope we all take time to remember those that are not with us this time of year, but especially all of the "angel babies" that are missing from everything.
