So, this past Thursday the 17th was supposed to be my original due date. It was probably one of the hardest days yet. I have a few friends that were due on or around the same day and seeing their baby joy just reminds me that I didn't get to bring my baby home and watch him grow.
I recently came across this story....it's long, but worth the read. She really hits the emotions/feelings/experiences that I have yet to really vocalize. All of the little quirks when looking back on it, I can't believe I didn't pick up on.
Thomas had Triploidy, which means he had an entire extra set of chromosomes (69 in total) instead of the standard 46 we are all supposed to have...he didn't know how to grow. There is very little research on this condition....which makes it even harder to understand. I belong to a group on facebook that is all people that have lost babies to triploidy. Someone recently posted this after a genetic counseling meeting. "Out of confirmed pregnancies approximately 3% result in a miscarriage and out of all miscarriages about 20% are thought to be due to Triploidy.
A Woman's Story to Loss and Grief
I have a lot of opinions on many subjects. I don't necessarily voice those opinions but feel that this one subject needs a voice, a voice for all those families that go through the heartache of making the right choice for their family. This concept of prolife puts unneeded stress upon these families. It backs them into a corner that makes them feel like the world is scrutinizing the choices that breaks their hearts on many different levels. I know this first hand as I was put in this exact situation recently. I guess to really understand, I must start at the beginning.
When I was a teenager, I had this romantic notion that my Knight in Shining Armour would come in and sweep me off my feet, not that I liked to admit it though. What can I say, I am a romantic at heart looking for my match. But, I was the strong girl, the girl that nothing could touch emotionally, and maybe that's what was my demise in the romantic world. I think a lot of girls that were born in the 70's had the same notion. After all, that's what was presented to us in life. The movies were a collection of women seeking their one true love, the love that made their bellies do flips and made them weak at the knees. These stories always ended in 'and they lived happily ever after'. They never showed the daily choices and bumps along the way. Movies never showed the anguish that one went through in the loss of a loved one, nor the emotions that would come to light when a parent was fighting cancer. Well there was no wondering why, showing emotion was not acceptable in society. Emotion was perceived as a weakness, one that could debilitate your entire existence. I have since learned otherwise. Emotion is what makes us stronger. It helps prepare you for the hurdles in life that follow. It's all on how you deal with it and move forward in life. Move forward in life........that is the trick. You either burry the emotion and move forward and let it fester or deal with it straight on and accept all the highs and lows that come along with it then move forward. I have definitely taken the later route, the harder route I would say.
In my mid twenties, majority of my friends had found their partners in life and were getting married and starting their families. I wasn't the only lone sole, but I was probably the last one in the end. It was a very difficult and ultimately lonely time in my life. I have lost a few friends along the way but it was more probably because of me and feeling like I no longer had a place amongst them. There were outings that were set up for only the couples but also others for everyone and I never felt that I quite fit. So next step was I pushed people away. That's just what I did and to this day I still do. It's hard making yourself vulnerable to people mostly because there are some very mean spirited people out there that take joy in making people very uncomfortable in order to make themselves feel good. What I realize now is that I should have made myself vulnerable because that is the only way to gain your inner power. Be true to yourself and stick to your beliefs because that is the foundation of what makes you who you are. Not everyone will like it but the ones that do truly will let you be that person.
Which brings me to my true 'One'. I decided that I needed to take my love life in my own hands. Hanging out with the same circle does not allow you to meet an array of people. So I joined Plenty of Fish, yes the dating website! Well that was an experience in itself. I met a few people, had to weed out the guys that only wanted a good time so to speak. In the end, I only dated 2 guys from that site, pretty much back to back. The first one turned out to be a dud and I was ready to give up on men altogether. One more rip around Plenty of Fish and this last profile caught my attention, his name was Chris. Most of the guys that I dated were pretty tall since that was what I was attracted to. Those were the ones that could wrap you up in your arms and always made you feel protected even if you could protect yourself better then they ever could. Lol. This guy was 5'5, pretty short! When I read his profile I remember thinking back to a psychic I saw once at a work party. She said the guy that I would be with for a very long time had brown hair and 5'5. So I figured, why not? What was the worst that could happen? On our first date, I came to the conclusion that nothing would ever come out of it except friendship and left it at that. We kept seeing each other though and one thing developed into another. It took him 2 weeks to even kiss me......what a huge frustration! He definitely made me work for it. He turned out to be my true 'One'. He let me be who I really was, no questions, no judgments, just let me be me. He moved in within 6 months, bought our first house together at 1 year. Got a dog, Ramzi. Bought a trailer. Got married. All of this happening just short of 3 years. And I was the happiest I had ever been. I never knew happiness like this. Didn't care what anyone thought just lived in my happy bubble.
I never thought that Chris and I would ever have kids. Chris had his daughter and we were content with that. During that 3 year period, my best friend had a baby and something clicked within me that was never there before. I started thinking about having a baby and thinking we could do this. Scared to the max about being pregnant but, we were good people, both had a stable upbringing, secure jobs, an all around perfect household to bring a baby into this world. We toyed with the idea until 2 days after our wedding and that is when our rocky road began. My husband's Dad had a heart attack and that brought our happy bubble to a stand still. Then and there I looked and Chris and said 'If we are going to do this we need to do this now'. So we did. His Dad recovered and now has a defibrillator to help his heart. We are extremely grateful to have him in our lives today.
We became pregnant pretty quickly, which completely took us by surprise. I was so naive as to what was going to follow. All of the things that women don't talk about either because they are not comfortable with talking or it's just not socially acceptable. This is another topic that I hope to help change at some point but for now I will stay on track. My pregnancy wasn't terrible. I had many migraines and ample morning sickness. Aches and pains throughout but all in all it wasn't terrible. I didn't enjoy being pregnant but I also didn't hate it. On Thursday, October 27, 2011, at 2:00 am my water broke. I remember my eyes flashing open and an instant later I felt the gush. I jumped up and immediately yelled at Chris scaring him to the bone. It was time. 12 1/2 hours later we welcomed Isla Rose Witherley into this world. We never did find out what we were having throughout mostly because Chris said 'how many surprises do we get as an adult' and I did not disagree. I thought I would have a problem not knowing but I did very well with it all. After giving birth, I had a retained placenta. The doc tried to encourage it by giving it a bit of a tug and that is where I heard the pop. The umbilical cord popped off, it really did. Who would have even thought that was a possibility? Not me, that's for sure. I remember the obstetrician coming in and to this day I can still see the horror on Chris and my Mom's faces as the Obstetrician dove in up to his elbow and that is when I hemorrhaged. He pulled out the placenta and it came out in 2 pieces but was confident that they got it all. Luckily for me they had. There I was, in the hospital, it was the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep. I was 35 years old and a Mother for the very first time. I sat starring at Isla, not holding her, she was in the bassinet beside me. I remember being scared. Now what? What do I do? Where do I go from here? I didn't know. I knew nothing about raising a baby. You always see movies and hear people talk about how happy and excited they were on the day of the birth of their children. Why wasn't I? What was wrong with me that I couldn't pick up my daughter without fear. Nothing was wrong. It is a very natural response after giving birth. I think I was still in shock that we actually did this. When we were released from the hospital the next two weeks were a blur. Chris and my Mom pretty much did everything. I had lost a lot of blood and was in bed for the first week. The second week my Mom made me get up and go out. That is probably what saved me from postpartum depression, that and going to a mom and baby stroller class. I started to heal and with that healing I found happiness in being a Mom. I could look at my daughter and feel peace. I did this. I brought this little being into this world and she was all mine. Oh, and Chris' too of course as it does take two.😛
Originally we decided one child was enough. But we found ourselves a year later thinking it would be nice for Isla to have a sibling her own age. It was great having Keelie around. Isla and Kee adore each other but let's face it, Kee wasn't around all the time. Sure she was a sibling and they both have Chris as a Father but they wouldn't grow up together. All of us have always loved Kee and we will always support her in anyway we can. It boils down to Keelie not being mine and having someone for Isla to count on that is her age. So the trying began and we had another push along the way, my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. My world literally came to a stand still. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. Isla's first birthday came and went. We had a huge birthday party to commemorate this milestone. I was back to work part time and was pretty stressed out all the time it seemed. My Dad had surgery to have his prostate removed and things were looking up. Within 3 or 4 months we were pregnant again. So excited! So unprepared. The Dr.'s appointment went well. Things were progressing. I started to feel pregnant. And then 7 weeks hit. I started to bleed. Just spotting at first but it progressively got heavier. We found ourselves in the hospital on Saturday, March 16, 2013. They said there wasn't much they could do for me. It's very common for women to bleed like this in their first trimester. I was either going to miscarry or I was going to progress. They did an ultrasound. There was a baby. He/she was in the right place. There was a heart beat. I was sent home. Later that night I felt cramping and I should have known that was it, It was over but I brushed it off as gas pains. Silly me. I went to bed. Slept really well and woke early in the morning. Felt more cramping and the urge that I had to poop. So I went to the washroom. And what do I see in the toilette after I went was the embryo. I miscarried. I was in shock. I woke Chris. Fished the embryo out of the toilette. It was perfectly in tact. You could see the baby, the umbilical cord and where the heart once flickered. I was devastated. To this day I still have visions of the embryo. We waited for my parents to show up to look after Isla and off to the hospital we went once again. Had an ultrasound and there was no embryo, no baby, no flicker of the heart. The baby was in the Tupperware container right next to me. Sunday, March 17, 2013, I miscarried our second child. The Doctor asked our permission to show the nurses as they have never seen an embryo like this so intact. At first I thought it to be very insensitive especially because I could see the excitement on his face. But after a moment I agreed and realized that it was quite interesting to see this. How many people can say they saw their baby after miscarrying, not many. We were sent home. I quit my job and became a stay at home Mom and we healed.
My initial reaction was we were done. How can I even try again knowing that miscarrying was a possibility. Six months later I changed my mind and we started to try again. Isla's second birthday came and went. We did not have a big party this year. It was just family. My reasoning was because she would not remember these birthdays at such a young age and she did not need any more toys. She had enough as it was. In writing this though, I realize that it was probably more for me. For me to block out any people that could be pregnant or trying to get pregnant or have a newborn baby. I struggled around these people for a very long time. It didn't matter if they were friends or strangers, I still struggled but I pushed it aside and moved forward.
Within 3 or 4 months we were pregnant again. Very excited but hesitant. Excited because two of the women I had met during my birth and babies class with Isla were pregnant also and that would mean all of our children would be the same age and become friends. Doctors appointments went well. Things progressed. I started to feel pregnant and even have a bit of a belly to show. It was that stage that I was either pregnant or just tubby. No one could ever tell. Early one morning I was about to get into the shower and I felt a stabbing pain through the belly. I didn't think anything of it as it came and went pretty quickly but in hind sight I should have known then and there that something was not quite right. I did not go to the doctor as I didn't see the point. The day came for our first trimester screening. I was excited to hear the babies heart beat as we hadn't been able to hear it yet with the doppler at the doctor's office. I remember sitting in the waiting room feeling anxious, we were called in. Walked into the dimly lit room. Laid on the bed. Raised my shirt and lowered my pants. We began. At first the tech was pleasant and as the Appointment moved forward she became quieter. I asked her questions on how she liked her job and it must be very difficult when it wasn't a pleasant outcome. She didn't respond. She let me relieve my bladder of the enormous amount of water I drank and we continued. She was very quiet. At first I thought it was because she had no bedside manner and a personality of a Nat. I know now it was because something was wrong. I have to say they are trained very well to not let on when there is something wrong or I was just in denial, one of the two. We were then ushered into a small room where the doctor would review the test with us. This happened with Isla as well so I did not suspect anything. They made us wait a while and I remember when the doctor finally walked in the mood dropped like a rock. I don't remember exactly what the doctor said exactly it was something along the lines of 'The proportion of the baby's head to body is measuring small. We don't have your blood work so I can't give you an accurate report but based on what I see you baby could have triploidy. Triploidy is a complete extra set of chromosomes which is NOT COMPATIBLE WITH LIFE. But this cannot be confirmed until you go for genetic testing. I will review your blood work and if it comes back normally you will not hear from me but if it doesn't come back normal I will have the nurse call you.' Chris was silent in the corner. Ummmmmmm, no! I want a call either way, that only seems fair. We were both convinced that we had lost our baby, this was it there was no hope. The dreaded call came the next morning, my blood levels were low and they were setting up an appointment with the genetic counsellor.
A day later we walked into the office of the genetic counsellor, we were given hope again. My ratios and levels were really not that bad. There is still a chance that baby is normal. To be completely sure we would either have to do a CVS or Amniocentesis to confirm. Or we can proceed as normal and hope for the best. We decided to proceed with the CVS as I was just at the cut off and 2 days later a needle was inserted into my belly and they extracted tissue from my placenta. Very excruciating, would never wish this upon any woman. The rapid results will be in within 3 days but that also means that we will have to wait over the weekend to get the results on Monday. The next dreaded call came that Monday afternoon straight from the Doctor who performed the CVS. He was absolutely amazing I must say. Very matter of fact, very gentle, very understanding and a rock in the uncertainty of what our future will be. Baby or no baby, that was the question. After what seemed like a lengthy call but in realty it was not, we had all of the information we needed. The baby did in fact have triploidy. Over the course of the previous week Chris and I discussed what we would do if the baby had triploidy and we determined it was in the best interest of everyone involved that we not proceed with this pregnancy. After all, how can I carry a baby who's future is inevitable? How can I put my daughter through the ups and downs of what we would go through? How can I introduce a baby into this world and have it ripped right back out of our arms, that's if the baby made it to term? How can I put my husband through the agony of momentarily losing his wife emotionally for however long? How can I put my own health at risk knowing that there could be a possibility that Isla may not have a Mother in the end? How is this entire scenario fair? I know we made the right decision for our family but it certainly doesn't hurt any less.
On March 18, 2014, we attended the Women's clinic at the PLC to terminate our baby. To have a D&C. To have a D&E. To have an abortion. What ever it is that you would like to call it. In the end it all has the same result, we have no baby. No baby to hold. No baby to nurse. No baby to rock. No baby to love. It was a long and uncomfortable day. I don't remember anything past the anesthetic being administered. I am glad for that. When I awoke all I felt was emptiness. My first thought, she's gone. We found out that she was a girl during the genetic testing. Isla would not have a second sister. She would not run down the green space with her laughing and chase after the bunnies. They told me that I kept asking question about our baby throughout the procedure. To this day I have no idea what those questions were but I would like to. That night after a long week of not sleeping, I slept like a baby. It seems unfair to be able to sleep but in part it was because I was relieved that it was over. We didn't have to think about it anymore and we could move forward. Was I completely mistaken!
The grieving process is another journey all together. The weeks following didn't seem so bad. I had my moments but I also had a family trip to look forward to to Disneyland. It was a month to the day that we left. The worst part came after the trip. I was slipping. I was angry. I was crying a lot. I just couldn't understand. I wanted people to console me but when they did console me I wanted them to go away. I wanted people to acknowledge what had happened and some did some didn't. I just couldn't wrap my head around why people didn't care. This huge event had happened and no one was around to help me through. In reality it was probably me that made them not want to be here. I pushed people away yet again. That is a fault of mine that seems to affect my life negatively. There were a select handful that were at my side no questions ask. They don't care if I can't stop talking about. They don't care that it seems to consume my life. They just want to see me stop hurting.
Most days I am ok now. I have probably one bad day a week and a 1 horrible day each month. That happens on the 18th. When those bad days happen they are really bad. I can only hope with time they will get easier. Will we try again? I'm not sure, only time will tell. We have decided that if I can go an entire month without a bad day, we will reassess. This last time I made it past a week and then went tumbling. It was for only a moment when I got an invite to my friends baby shower, but it was a moment and we had to set the clock back to zero. I find little things set me off and it can be entirely unrelated to babies. Would I say I am depressed, no I don't think so. But I definitely am grasping for something to make it all go away. I don't think this is anything that someone can truly get over, you just have to learn to live again. So, I will thrive in my good days and deal with my bad days as best I can.
I guess I wrote this in part so people could understand exactly what it is we go through in losing a baby. Yes, the baby was not born yet but it was still a baby and a hope for what it is we want our family dynamic to be. We grieve, we hurt, we're angry, we're sad but most of all we want to be seen because sometimes we don't see ourselves through all that we have endured. Also, in part so women like me have a voice. There are a lot of women that can't speak about their loss. Sometimes, it's because they cannot find the words even though they want to scream it from the rooftops and sometimes it's because they are not comfortable doing so. Whether you lost a baby in the womb, had a still born, the baby passed after birth, or the hope to have a baby that just does not come to be, it's a deep gash in a women's emotional well being that may take some time to heal. Be gentle with us but most of all make sure we know that you care. That's all we want.
To all the women out there who cannot tell their story, you are not alone. There are many of us out there and if you take that first step and tell someone new, you may just find that one person that can understand what you are feeling and can help you through those dark times that seem to be never ending. I have recently met a woman that came into my life at the perfect moment. It ends up we were in the same waiting room on that March 18, 2014. Her circumstances are different but the feelings and the roller coasters are the same. To her, you know who you are, I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to vent with no questions asked and no judgment. To my friends that are still by my side, thank you for not running. To my parents, thank you for giving me some breathing room even though your first instinct is to surround me in a cocoon. To my husband, thank you for allowing me to the the basket case I need to be in order to find my way. You are all truly loved!
