1 year ago today...

One year ago today, our lives were dramatically different. I was in an entirely different state of mind. It's amazing what a year does...

This day, March 14th, will forever be stamped on my brain. March 14th....was the day we found out our sweet angel, Thomas, had "lethal defects" and he wasn't going to make it to term. We had known he was measuring small, and I recall sitting in the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors waiting room, thinking it was all going to be fine and this appointment was entirely precautionary. 

I remember the ultrasound portion vividly, I was so happy that we were going to be able to see our little one again I wasn't even thinking the worst. I remember seeing him bounce around, flailing limbs and all. To our untrained eyes, baby looked perfect. It wasn't until afterwards, that the fatal news came. I'll never forget the looks on the faces of the 3 people that joined us in the room, the doctor, a nurse, and the genetic counselor. He started with, "this is about as bad as it gets, let me show you what's happening with your baby." He proceeded with a long explanation and book that showed us where and what the defects were....but I don't remember all the things he said. The words that have stayed with me are "baby has lethal defects" and "termination of pregnancy." 

Never in a million years did I ever think I would end a pregnancy....I was 22 weeks and 1 day along at that point. After that meeting, they did the amniocentesis to find out exactly what was wrong with baby....the remainder of the day is kind of a blur.

Jim had planned on going up north for the weekend and I was planning to go back to work. Neither of those things happened. And I recall getting in my car and the drive home and realizing something didn't feel right. We were given some instructions if certain things happened to call my primary OB. Well, of course something happened...my water broke. But I didn't know it for sure until I got home. Jim was a few minutes behind me but I remember feeling so alone those first few minutes at home. I couldn't believe this was happening...my mom kept calling, wondering how the appointment went and I could barely see to drive much less tell her over the phone that this baby wasn't going to make it. 

It was a heartbreaking day, still is....today hasn't been easy. I wonder when it gets easier....I know the dreaded day is coming - meaning, the day I actually delivered. I can't imagine that day will be any easier. 

 Something else I realized today....I'm not a natural mother. I love both of my sons, in very different ways. But this doesn't come naturally to me...I'm struggling to breastfeed, I get frustrated when I can't soothe him. But I would do anything to make him happy...keep him healthy. But I also miss my Thomas...so, how do I split the love? I'm still trying to figure that out.

Then we have this handsome little man who joined us 3 weeks ago. My heart is so full of love and heartache, it's hard to put into words.

Blake David Anderson's Birth Story - 2.24.2015

Before I forget the details, I wanted to jot down the birth story of our sweet Blake David Anderson.

On Monday, February 23rd I had my regular weekly doctor appointment and all was good. I was measuring on target (finally) since baby had finally "dropped"...I had been measuring about 2 weeks ahead most of the time. We left the appointment with my doctor (Dr. Winga) saying that she would let me go to 41 weeks since this was my first full term baby. And then her saying that she was on call that weekend and that I could come in and have the baby then! I was really hoping she would be around to deliver this baby...she was there for Thomas, and was really hoping to have her since I'm so comfortable with her.

Then, early on Tuesday, February 24th about 12:15am I woke up having to go to the bathroom (not unusual) and then Macy needed to go out so I let her out. While I was doing that, I'm pretty sure I felt my first contraction. Once Macy came back in, I crawled back in bed and a few minutes later I felt the same thing. This went on for a while and all the while Jim was sleeping....Macy must have sensed something cause she followed me everywhere. I would walk around the house and she'd follow and then I'd lay back in bed and she'd curl up next to me. Then about 3:30am Jim woke up - he usually gets up around 4am for work, and finally said to him, "I think I'm having contractions." He said ok, and hung out with me for a while and I had already been timing them but they weren't consistent but they were certainly getting stronger. I called the hospital and told them that I thought I was having contractions. And since they weren't consistently timed apart they told me to take a hot shower and some tylenol and try to rest to see if they space back out or stop. So, that's what I did. Then Jim took a shower, and I said..."are you really planning on going to work?" I guess he didn't think it was real. He still showered and we just tried to rest in bed while I was continuing to have contractions. About 7:30am or so, my water broke. Then I called the hospital again and they told me to come in and they would test it to make sure. Well, by the time we got to the hospital it was still breaking and I was a mess and everyone knew we weren't going anywhere.

Finally, about 8:30 our nurse finally made it in. Apparently, they were short staffed and needed to call in extra staff to help out for the day. I was getting impatient cause my contractions were getting stronger and I was getting quite uncomfortable.

Everything progressed nicely throughout the day and everyone thought I'd be having the baby by early afternoon. And then, I stalled. I was having some incredible back labor and they discovered the head was turned slightly sideways - probably causing the back labor and baby was essentially stuck. They allowed me to "labor down" as they called it and gave me a break for a little while. The drug doctor couldn't get there fast enough. Dr. Winga also had to leave for about an hour in the afternoon for a presentation and was hoping that I would have had the baby before she left, or not until she returned. Thankfully, my little break was just what I needed....a little reprieve from the back labor and pain to give me enough strength to push later on. 

Dr. Winga was back and I was ready to push....I was in many different positions to find something more comfortable than on my back, I was squatting at one point, on my hands and knees, on my side...nothing really seemed to work. Jim massaged my back, which helped some...but ultimately, I needed that baby to be out of me! :) 

Finally, with a little help from suction....at 7:29pm, our little Blake David arrived weighing in at 9lbs 2oz and 22in long. My mom later told me they had to measure him twice cause they didn't think they were right the first time! :) He was a big, healthy, crying baby....a moment we had waited for since I found out I was pregnant the first time. 

We are over the moon in love with our little man and so happy to have him home with us! We miss his big brother Thomas, everyday....but having this hunk here eases that heartache ever so slightly. I think it's time we all believe in miracles...cause Blake is certainly ours!