Monday's are always the hardest for me. Especially after a weekend of having my little man be so good and truly able to treasure every single moment I had with him. And there are some days when the feels (good and bad) just really hit me. This morning on my way to work was one of them the sad feels got me good.
Since having Blake I've had a hard time figuring out how to really enjoy being happy with this little person we've created. Don't get me wrong I love him to pieces and our new life together, but I can't help but go to the place where there "I wonders" and "What ifs" creep in. For anyone that has lost a baby, you might understand these thoughts a little more than most....but I just need to get some of the thoughts on what being a parent is like after having one that died. It's not easy to say a lot of these things....
And I've decided, that's ok!
In the moments after having Blake and they placed him in my arms, I couldn't help but search for the first sweet boy we lost.
In the first few days and weeks at home with Blake, I couldn't fully let myself love him worried that somehow this world could possibly be so cruel to take another baby from me. I still worry about that, and I've decided that it's ok.
I feel so different from other new and first time moms - I almost envy their pure joy and happiness they get to feel so easily but I feel robbed off most days. But it's ok.
There are days, like today, that the grief comes back so fiercely and will probably stick around for a while because Blake is a constant reminder of a life that did not get to live. But it's ok, because this is the way I get to love my baby that died.
It's ok that I catch myself constantly checking the monitor or him to make sure he's breathing.
It's ok that I struggle every morning to drop him off at daycare because I worry about him constantly and worry that everything is going well. I hate the feeling of leaving him, not because I don't think he is being well cared of, I know that he is, but because I'd much rather be the one doing it.
I feel so overbearing some days while he's at daycare, constantly checking in on him just make sure things are going well. I'm probably driving her crazy some days! But I can't help it....and that's ok.
It's ok that I still struggle with how to answer the question, "is he your first?" This will be a lifelong battle on how to answer. I never, ever want to leave Thomas out, but I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But then again, it's not about them being uncomfortable...it's about acknowledging both of my children in a way that helps me. People might come to regret asking that question because normally, it's an innocent question, it might get awkward and that's ok.
I'm not always ok, and that's ok!
