This little boy has been missed a great deal lately by his mom. The month of April never gets any easier for me, another year that passes means another year with out him and all the milestones we are missing out on. It's hard to imagine that 2 years have gone by already...and yet some days it still seems like yesterday. So many people said in the beginning that it gets easier with time, but does it?
Time takes me further away from holding my first born son....
Time takes me further away from the memories I have of holding him, what he felt like in my arms, on my chest.
Time seems to make it harder to explain to those that don't know what happened to us.
Time makes people forget...
Not many people recognized him on the anniversary, I'm not sure if that's because they didn't know what to say or if they forgot? Either way, it doesn't hurt any less.
As a family, we made a special visit to the cemetery that day and did a little balloon release. Blake, in all his lovely innocence, loved watching the balloons go, but of course oblivious to the fact that he has a brother he will never get to meet. I mention him often and I hope to some day explain his big brother to him and how much he means to us without making Blake feel like he isn't equally as important to us. The thought of that conversation always brings me to tears. How do I explain to a child that wouldn't likely be here, that had his brother lived, he wouldn't be here. How do I explain the rarity of what happened to Thomas, the decisions we had to make, and the reasons behind them. I realize that conversation is many years away, but I think I need to know how to answer these questions so I can prepare for that future conversation.
As I struggle emotionally through yet another pregnancy, I can't help but wonder what Thomas would be like right now. Would he have the same goofy personality as Blake? Would he be just as good of an eater? Would he constantly want to be held while we are cooking? How much would he be talking? What color eyes would he have? Some of these questions, I can also apply to this baby too and whole different set of questions at the same time. Will this baby sleep as good as Blake? Will this baby be as difficult to nurse?
I think what I'm struggling with most this time around is the desire to find out the gender. Some days I want to know so badly, others I don't want to know at all. I fear that if I find out the gender that I will connect with this baby too much and then something awful will happen....it's such a horrible thought but an honest one. It was also so exciting when I delivered Blake to find out at that moment it was a boy. And while time is flying by with this pregnancy and I'm feeling good....I want to freeze these moments we have with our family as it looks now.
While most days I have no problem getting up and ready and then getting Blake up and getting that huge hug first thing in the morning. There are days I don't want to move and I just want to lie there crying in my pillow. So, sure time has made some things easier....but is it really any easier?
