Hard month

This little boy has been missed a great deal lately by his mom. The month of April never gets any easier for me, another year that passes means another year with out him and all the milestones we are missing out on. It's hard to imagine that 2 years have gone by already...and yet some days it still seems like yesterday. So many people said in the beginning that it gets easier with time, but does it?

Time takes me further away from holding my first born son....

Time takes me further away from the memories I have of holding him, what he felt like in my arms, on my chest.

Time seems to make it harder to explain to those that don't know what happened to us.

Time makes people forget...

Not many people recognized him on the anniversary, I'm not sure if that's because they didn't know what to say or if they forgot? Either way, it doesn't hurt any less.

As a family, we made a special visit to the cemetery that day and did a little balloon release. Blake, in all his lovely innocence, loved watching the balloons go, but of course oblivious to the fact that he has a brother he will never get to meet. I mention him often and I hope to some day explain his big brother to him and how much he means to us without making Blake feel like he isn't equally as important to us. The thought of that conversation always brings me to tears. How do I explain to a child that wouldn't likely be here, that had his brother lived, he wouldn't be here. How do I explain the rarity of what happened to Thomas, the decisions we had to make, and the reasons behind them. I realize that conversation is many years away, but I think I need to know how to answer these questions so I can prepare for that future conversation.

As I struggle emotionally through yet another pregnancy, I can't help but wonder what Thomas would be like right now. Would he have the same goofy personality as Blake? Would he be just as good of an eater? Would he constantly want to be held while we are cooking? How much would he be talking? What color eyes would he have? Some of these questions, I can also apply to this baby too and whole different set of questions at the same time. Will this baby sleep as good as Blake? Will this baby be as difficult to nurse?

I think what I'm struggling with most this time around is the desire to find out the gender. Some days I want to know so badly, others I don't want to know at all. I fear that if I find out the gender that I will connect with this baby too much and then something awful will happen....it's such a horrible thought but an honest one. It was also so exciting when I delivered Blake to find out at that moment it was a boy. And while time is flying by with this pregnancy and I'm feeling good....I want to freeze these moments we have with our family as it looks now.

While most days I have no problem getting up and ready and then getting Blake up and getting that huge hug first thing in the morning. There are days I don't want to move and I just want to lie there crying in my pillow. So, sure time has made some things easier....but is it really any easier?

Blake's 1st Birthday

Last weekend we celebrated Blake's 1st birthday. I'm not sure where the year went, but it's been a year full of firsts for all of us and I wouldn't change it for anything. We have a very healthy, happy little boy on our hands....he's a great snuggler (when he stops for a minute), a great sleeper, he gives the best hugs and open mouthed kisses. He's walking like a champ and loves the freedom that comes with that....although, mom and dad can't be any too far away for too long. He always has to know where we are or near us.

At his 1 year appointment his stats were:

Weight: 23lbs
Height: 28.75in

Our pediatrician said he is growing fabulously and there are no concerns. He is eating all table food at this point and loves just about everything. We are working on getting rid of the last bottle, but not rushing it either. As you will see in the pictures below that he didn't enjoy the cake....oh well. We got time for him to enjoy sweets.

He's adjusted so well to each transition so far, I'm just excited to watch this little boy grow and become a big brother this summer.

Enjoy a selection of the pictures from his 1 year session. Photography by the very talented Jenny Longlais. :)

Blake's 1st Christmas (2015)

Our little family had a number of Christmas gatherings this year, as we do every year. Thankfully, Blake was a trooper and did great at all of them! He loved ripping the paper and playing with the boxes the most.

Our new ornament for Thomas

Our celebrations began the week before Christmas when we traveled down to West Bend to celebrate Christmas with Jim's immediate family at Jeremy & Paula's house. 

Jacob & Blake

Hanging out with Grandpa Anderson

Lots of new toys to check out

Opening my first present!

More presents

Hanging out with Grandma Anderson

We celebrated our Christmas as home on Christmas Eve morning when we could spend the majority of the day together. We didn't have any events until later that day, and thank goodness, he took forever to open presents -- but mom may have went a little overboard this year!

Christmas Eve Morning

Ready to dig in!

Books

One of his favorites, stacking toys!

On his rocking baseball glove! Couldn't get the smile off his face when he was on this thing!

All the paper!

Christmas morning we headed to Jim's grandparents first thing. I think this was the only family picture we took through all of the gatherings we had!

Add caption

Our big announcement to our families

The Krizizke boys - although we are missing a few!

The day after Christmas we headed to my parent's house to celebrate with my immediate family.

The cousins

More toys!

Crawling around with Charlotte

Blake's 1st Visit with Santa & St. Nick

Saturday, December 5th, 2015

My work had a Santa come to the office, so we figured this would be the best way to visit Santa for the first time. He held on to me for dear life while I put him down, but then did ok while he was on his lap. A little unsure at first.



A little unsure of Santa at first.





Then had to check him out.

 Then, we got a partial smile. No tears, so we were happy with that! :)



Blake with Santa - 2015



Sunday, December 6th

Macy was not so excited about sitting next her little brother for the picture, but she was excited about her stocking treats.

Blake was unsure of what we were doing too at first, but loved the snacks and toys he got from St. Nick. Blake got some plates, snacks, a book, and some trucks (he's not so sure of the trucks).



St. Nick spoiled the kids

Blake & Macy with their stockings

He preferred the snacks to the toys :)



Watching Macy chew one of her new bones.



Blake's First Halloween

We dressed Blake up as a little spider for his 1st Halloween. I don't usually like spiders, but he was pretty cute.



With our carved pumpkins

At grandma and grandpa's Trick or Treating

Shopping at Fleet Farm - he was quite the treat :)

Morning smiles with dad

He wasn't a huge fan of the pumpkin at first, so he cried....

Then he was ok, so he smiled....

Then, it must have smelled good because he decided to eat it!

Been a while...

It's been a while since my last post but we are still here! We've had lots going on - mom and dad both work full time so it's difficult to keep up to date. I've been so busy trying to stay present with my family and Blake that this is what gets left. Not a bad thing, just our reality.



As Blake's first Halloween approaches, I can't help but wonder what Thomas would be up to you this year and what we would have dressed him up as. And I have been needing to focus on me a lot lately and dealing with my grief which has not been an easy process. I recently read an article on a site I follow called Still Standing, that has helped me remember that it's ok to keep Thomas alive in my heart and my world, as I would any other living child.






So, here it is --



"7 Things I've Learned Since the Loss of My Child", by Angela Miller.

Child loss is a loss like no other. One often misunderstood by many. If you love a bereaved parent or know someone who does, remember that even his or her “good” days are harder than you could ever imagine. Compassion and love, not advice, are what’s needed. If you’d like an inside look into why the loss of a child is a grief that lasts forever, here is what I’ve learned in my seven years of trekking through the unimaginable.



1). Love never dies.



There will never come a day, hour, minute or second I stop loving or thinking about my son. Just as parents of living children unconditionally love their children always and forever, so do bereaved parents. I want to say and hear his name just the same as non-bereaved parents do. I want to speak about my deceased child as normally and naturally as you speak of your living ones.

I love my child just as much as you love yours– the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about him is unfortunately quite taboo in our culture. I hope to change that. Our culture isn’t so great about hearing about children gone too soon, but that doesn’t stop me from saying my son’s name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go. Just because it might make you uncomfortable, doesn’t make him matter any less. My son’s life was cut irreversibly short, but his love lives on forever. And ever.



2). Bereaved parents share an unspeakable bond.



In my seven years navigating the world as a bereaved parent, I am continually struck by the power of the bond between bereaved parents. Strangers become kindreds in mere seconds– a look, a glance, a knowing of the heart connects us, even if we’ve never met before. No matter our circumstances, who we are, or how different we are, there is no greater bond than the connection between parents who understand the agony of enduring the death of a child. It’s a pain we suffer for a lifetime, and unfortunately only those who have walked the path of child loss understand the depth and breadth of both the pain and the love we carry.



3). I will grieve for a lifetime.



Period. The end. There is no “moving on,” or “getting over it.” There is no bow, no fix, no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. There is no glue for my broken heart, no exilir for my pain, no going back in time. For as long as I breathe, I will grieve and ache and love my son with all my heart and soul. There will never come a time when I won’t think about who my son would be, what he would look like, and how he would be woven perfectly into the tapestry of my family. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. Every missed birthday, holiday, milestone; should-be back-to-school years and graduations; weddings that will never be, grandchildren that should have been but will never be born– an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.

This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops.



4). It’s a club I can never leave, but is full of the most shining souls I’ve ever known.


This crappy club called child loss is a club I never wanted to join, and one I can never leave, yet is filled with some of the best people I’ve ever known. And yet we all wish we could jump ship– that we could have met another way– any other way but this. Alas, these shining souls are the most beautiful, compassionate, grounded, loving, movers, shakers and healers I have ever had the honor of knowing. They are life-changers, game-changers, relentless survivors. Warrior moms and dads who redefine the word brave.
Every day loss parents move mountains in honor of their children gone too soon. They start movements, change laws, spearhead crusades of tireless activism. Why? In the hope that even just one parent could be spared from joining the club. If you’ve ever wondered who some of the greatest world changers are, hang out with a few bereaved parents and watch how they live, see what they do in a day, a week, a lifetime. Watch how they alchemize their grief into a force to be reckoned with, watch how they turn tragedy into transformation, loss into legacy.
Love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved parent and his/her child is a lifeforce to behold. Get to know a bereaved parent. You’ll be thankful you did.


5). The empty chair/room/space never becomes less empty.


Empty chair, empty room, empty space in every family picture. Empty, vacant, forever gone. Empty spaces that should be full, everywhere we go. There is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our families, a forever-hole-in-our-hearts. Time does not make the space less empty. Neither do platitudes, clichés or well-wishes for us to “move on,” or “stop dwelling,” from well-intentioned friends or family. Nothing does. No matter how you look at it, empty is still empty. Missing is still missing. The problem is nothing can fill it. Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after heartbreaking year the empty space remains. No matter how much time has passed.
The empty space of our missing child(ren) lasts a lifetime. And so we rightfully miss them forever. Help us by holding the space of that truth for us.


6). No matter how long it’s been, holidays never become easier without my son.


Never, ever. Have you ever wondered why every holiday season is like torture for a bereaved parent? Even if it’s been 5, 10, or 25 years later? It’s because they really, truly are horrific. Imagine if you had to live every holiday without one or more of your precious children. Imagine how that might feel for you. It would be easier to lose an arm, a leg or two– anything— than to live without your flesh and blood, without the beat of your heart. Almost anything would be easier than living without one of more of your precious children. That is why holidays are always and forever hard for bereaved parents. Don’t wonder why or even try to understand. Know you don’t have to understand in order to be a supportive presence. Consider supporting and loving some bereaved parents this holiday season. It will be the best gift you could ever give them.


7). Because I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy.


Though I will grieve the death of my son forever and then some, it does not mean my life is lacking happiness and joy. Quite the contrary, in fact. It is not either/or, it’s both/and. Grief and joy can and do coexist. My life is more rich now. I live from a deeper place. I love deeper still. Because I grieve, I also know a joy like no other. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my loss. Such is the alchemy of grief.
Because I’ve clawed my way from the depths of unimaginable pain, suffering and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however and whenever it does– it is a joy that reverberates through every pore of my skin and every bone in my body. I feel all of it, deeply. I embrace and thank every blessed morsel of it. My life now is more rich and vibrant and full, not despite my loss, but because of it. In grief there are gifts, sometimes many. These gifts don’t in any way make it all “worth” it, but I am grateful beyond words for each and every gift that comes my way. I bow my head to each one and say thank you, thank you, thank you. Because there is nothing– and I mean absolutely nothing– I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible.
I have my son to thank for that. Being his mom is the best gift I’ve ever been given.
Even death can’t take that away.

Lifecake

Hi everyone...while I don't get to post on here as much as I'd like to I'm glad I have something to document our family journey. For those of you going through Blake withdrawals or want to see more up to date pictures you can join us on Lifecake!

Lifecake is available through an app on your phone (it's free) or the website www.lifecake.com. Either way you can view photos and videos that we have uploaded of Blake - or add some of your own if you have them. You can also be notified as soon as we upload new ones! You can also download, save, and print right from the app/website as well!

Please let me know if you'd like an invitation and I can send you a request -- all I need is your email address!