This day, March 14th, will forever be stamped on my brain. March 14th....was the day we found out our sweet angel, Thomas, had "lethal defects" and he wasn't going to make it to term. We had known he was measuring small, and I recall sitting in the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors waiting room, thinking it was all going to be fine and this appointment was entirely precautionary.
I remember the ultrasound portion vividly, I was so happy that we were going to be able to see our little one again I wasn't even thinking the worst. I remember seeing him bounce around, flailing limbs and all. To our untrained eyes, baby looked perfect. It wasn't until afterwards, that the fatal news came. I'll never forget the looks on the faces of the 3 people that joined us in the room, the doctor, a nurse, and the genetic counselor. He started with, "this is about as bad as it gets, let me show you what's happening with your baby." He proceeded with a long explanation and book that showed us where and what the defects were....but I don't remember all the things he said. The words that have stayed with me are "baby has lethal defects" and "termination of pregnancy."
Never in a million years did I ever think I would end a pregnancy....I was 22 weeks and 1 day along at that point. After that meeting, they did the amniocentesis to find out exactly what was wrong with baby....the remainder of the day is kind of a blur.
Jim had planned on going up north for the weekend and I was planning to go back to work. Neither of those things happened. And I recall getting in my car and the drive home and realizing something didn't feel right. We were given some instructions if certain things happened to call my primary OB. Well, of course something happened...my water broke. But I didn't know it for sure until I got home. Jim was a few minutes behind me but I remember feeling so alone those first few minutes at home. I couldn't believe this was happening...my mom kept calling, wondering how the appointment went and I could barely see to drive much less tell her over the phone that this baby wasn't going to make it.
It was a heartbreaking day, still is....today hasn't been easy. I wonder when it gets easier....I know the dreaded day is coming - meaning, the day I actually delivered. I can't imagine that day will be any easier.
Something else I realized today....I'm not a natural mother. I love both of my sons, in very different ways. But this doesn't come naturally to me...I'm struggling to breastfeed, I get frustrated when I can't soothe him. But I would do anything to make him happy...keep him healthy. But I also miss my Thomas...so, how do I split the love? I'm still trying to figure that out.
Then we have this handsome little man who joined us 3 weeks ago. My heart is so full of love and heartache, it's hard to put into words.
