I don't know where to start today, but feel I need to get some things off my chest. I've been feeling something lately and I haven't been able to quite put my finger on the feeling. It's a combination of overwhelming sadness, disappointment, grief, and unhappiness. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying....I'm so happy with my life, my husband, my living son, my family. It's this pulling at my heart that I'm dealing with and the constant feeling that something, well, someone is missing. I look at the incredible pictures of our family and always think, there's something missing.
This journey through grief and life is an incredible rollercoaster of emotions, and while I feel so much lately I can't really explain today. Somewhere around this time last year (July 17th, 2014 was my original due date) I should've had a baby, a little boy. His name is Thomas, but I often ask myself if that would've been his name had he lived. Or would it have been something else we had picked out while I was pregnant and planning to meet that growing baby in my belly. I hadn't planned on using the name Thomas. For a little history, Thomas was my uncle's name, and he passed away from cancer at much too young of an age....and while I always liked the name I never thought it would something would use for a first name. The name came to me one day after we received the awful news that our little baby was never going to make it. I thought to myself, what a nice way to honor another great man that was taken far too soon.
While I didn't do a lot of research behind the meanings of names, I found this recently about Thomas the Apostle and it has me intrigued. Thomas the Apostle speaks in John 14:5 after Jesus had just explained that he was going away to prepare a heavenly home for his followers, and that one day they would join him there. Thomas reacted by saying, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?" I find that intriguing that I named my child after not only this apostle, but that I trust he found his way to his heavenly home and I will one day get to be with him again. Because Jesus also said to Thomas the Apostle, "blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed."
There are so many things I wonder about....what would he be like at different stages. I'm fortunate (if that's the right way to phrase it) to see 2 other little boys grow, mostly through Facebook, that were born around the same time that Thomas should have been. And while I will always think, "what would Thomas have been like" when I see these other boys celebrating birthdays and milestones that he will never achieve, I can be happy that my little boy is at peace and in good hands.
Some days are harder than others to accept that as fact, but it's my life or my new normal. I am forever changed by a very special little boy, he made me a mom and I am so grateful for that. He made me a mom, even though it wasn't in the traditional sense. I'm so proud to be his mom. And he will always be my favorite what if...
