How does one answer those questions when you have lost a child and discover you are expecting another? This will be a lifelong question I will need to answer to people who don't know our situation. How do you answer such a simple, innocent question when in fact it's not simple at all.
Of course we are very excited that we have been blessed to become pregnant again and welcome a baby into this world. But it's different this time....instead of excitement, I feel anxious, nervous, and scared. What day is it going to be this time when we get the terrible news. How do you get to the point of enjoying what's happening inside you like everyone else does? People keep telling me that I need to enjoy this and I should be happy now. While it is exciting and something we have wanted, it certainly doesn't replace the emptiness and sadness that I feel in my heart daily.
I've read so many articles the past few months about pregnancy after loss, and while I know my feelings are normal and to be expected considering the loss...it's very hard to face those that feel I should just be happy now. What do I say to them to get them to understand I may not be completely happy until I have a healthy, crying baby in my arms on delivery day! One line of an article I read still stands out and I hope helps people understand how I feel. "A pregnancy after a loss can be the longest nine month's of a woman's life. There are so many things going on emotionally that anxiety is bound to be prevalent throughout the pregnancy." Everything I have read says that once you pass the point of the previous loss the connection and bond will start to become stronger....I have a long way to go to hit 24 weeks. I'm hopeful I will begin to enjoy it...
I often feel a lot like the quote below and when I allow myself to go where what could have, should have been...it becomes very dark. It's a surreal feeling to be pregnant knowing you should have a baby that's just over a month old. I'm not sure that feeling will ever fully go away, but I look forward to the day we can move forward and past some of this...but I'm not ready to yet.
"We stand with one foot in the life we had and one foot in the life we have with an aching heart often stuck in what could, should have been." - Angela Miller
It's interesting to me to also recognize what this loss and now new life has done to our marriage. Most days I believe this has all brought us closer together, which seemed impossible. But I feel so lucky that I found him, he's an incredible man and part of the anger I feel is that he was robbed of becoming the awesome dad I know he will be. He's been so supportive and so incredible that I can't even imagine my life before him. How did I manage each day prior to meeting him. He gets me, he makes me laugh - even when I don't want to, picks me up when I fall, and just loves me unconditionally. I will forever be grateful for meeting him, God certainly knew what he was doing that day (August 11th, 2011, the day we met). As Jim said after he proposed to me on my 30th birthday, "I got a pretty awesome 30th birthday present too." His 30th birthday was the day after we met...God certainly works in mysterious ways, and I'm so thankful we don't know what He has planned for us but I'm so glad I have an amazing man by my side.
There are a lot of statistics where marriages don't survive the loss of a child...it's scary when you look it up that 80% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child. 80% That's astonishing to me. Does this mean our very young marriage only has a 20% chance of survival....after all, we have only known each other for just over 3 years and in that 3 years managed to meet, move in, get engaged, get married, take vacations, get pregnant, only to lose that baby, and then a few months later get pregnant again!
I vowed to myself and to Jim the day we got married, that nothing would break this bond we have. So, everyday, even the especially hard ones, I choose Jim and the love that we share. I choose to have the difficult conversations that maybe tore other couples apart, I choose to be a better me even though that is definitely a work in progress. So, Jim...I will always choose you because "God Gave Me You." We couldn't have picked a better wedding song if we had tried.
"I Choose You" Sara Bareilles
