We have since repainted the bedroom that would've been Thomas' room. We didn't have a crib, or the nursery ready....after all, I was only 24 weeks along. We had plans for the room though and I could envision it and what it would be like to have our baby in there. I could envision the late night feedings and the stories we'd read, and the memories we would make. There are diapers and clothes that hang in the closet...and every time I look at them I know Thomas will never get to wear them. Do I give them to someone else for their baby to wear or do I keep them and always just wonder?
Even though I know Triploidy is something that happens at conception, it's hard not to eventually blame yourself. I was very angry yesterday and I can't really pinpoint why...I couldn't have done anything different, I couldn't protect him from what he had and that's upsetting. I will always wonder what he would've been like, especially at the milestones.
Would he have been like his dad - sweet, funny, loving, kind, and hard working? Or more like me....reserved and quiet? These are questions I will never have the answers to in this life and the things I struggle with on a daily basis....especially now, knowing he'd be almost a month old.
