6 weeks in...

It feels like it's been forever since I last posted. But I've been a little busy keeping up with Blake. It's been an incredible adjustment and just enjoying every single moment. Of course, every  moment I enjoy there is a tinge of guilt knowing I'm missing a part of this family...but I know Thomas brought us this healthy, strong willed little man we call Blake.

We couldn't be happier...just this past week, he started nearly sleeping through the night with some good 5-7 hour stretches and gets up at least once yet to eat. Not too bad in my opinion.

Hard to believe my maternity leave is half over...I can't imagine leaving this little guy so soon. He's starting to become such a little person, with all the smiles and coos we get these days! He definitely likes to eat as he was nearly 12 lbs last time we were at the doctor!

1 year ago today...

One year ago today, our lives were dramatically different. I was in an entirely different state of mind. It's amazing what a year does...

This day, March 14th, will forever be stamped on my brain. March 14th....was the day we found out our sweet angel, Thomas, had "lethal defects" and he wasn't going to make it to term. We had known he was measuring small, and I recall sitting in the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors waiting room, thinking it was all going to be fine and this appointment was entirely precautionary. 

I remember the ultrasound portion vividly, I was so happy that we were going to be able to see our little one again I wasn't even thinking the worst. I remember seeing him bounce around, flailing limbs and all. To our untrained eyes, baby looked perfect. It wasn't until afterwards, that the fatal news came. I'll never forget the looks on the faces of the 3 people that joined us in the room, the doctor, a nurse, and the genetic counselor. He started with, "this is about as bad as it gets, let me show you what's happening with your baby." He proceeded with a long explanation and book that showed us where and what the defects were....but I don't remember all the things he said. The words that have stayed with me are "baby has lethal defects" and "termination of pregnancy." 

Never in a million years did I ever think I would end a pregnancy....I was 22 weeks and 1 day along at that point. After that meeting, they did the amniocentesis to find out exactly what was wrong with baby....the remainder of the day is kind of a blur.

Jim had planned on going up north for the weekend and I was planning to go back to work. Neither of those things happened. And I recall getting in my car and the drive home and realizing something didn't feel right. We were given some instructions if certain things happened to call my primary OB. Well, of course something happened...my water broke. But I didn't know it for sure until I got home. Jim was a few minutes behind me but I remember feeling so alone those first few minutes at home. I couldn't believe this was happening...my mom kept calling, wondering how the appointment went and I could barely see to drive much less tell her over the phone that this baby wasn't going to make it. 

It was a heartbreaking day, still is....today hasn't been easy. I wonder when it gets easier....I know the dreaded day is coming - meaning, the day I actually delivered. I can't imagine that day will be any easier. 

 Something else I realized today....I'm not a natural mother. I love both of my sons, in very different ways. But this doesn't come naturally to me...I'm struggling to breastfeed, I get frustrated when I can't soothe him. But I would do anything to make him happy...keep him healthy. But I also miss my Thomas...so, how do I split the love? I'm still trying to figure that out.

Then we have this handsome little man who joined us 3 weeks ago. My heart is so full of love and heartache, it's hard to put into words.

Blake David Anderson's Birth Story - 2.24.2015

Before I forget the details, I wanted to jot down the birth story of our sweet Blake David Anderson.

On Monday, February 23rd I had my regular weekly doctor appointment and all was good. I was measuring on target (finally) since baby had finally "dropped"...I had been measuring about 2 weeks ahead most of the time. We left the appointment with my doctor (Dr. Winga) saying that she would let me go to 41 weeks since this was my first full term baby. And then her saying that she was on call that weekend and that I could come in and have the baby then! I was really hoping she would be around to deliver this baby...she was there for Thomas, and was really hoping to have her since I'm so comfortable with her.

Then, early on Tuesday, February 24th about 12:15am I woke up having to go to the bathroom (not unusual) and then Macy needed to go out so I let her out. While I was doing that, I'm pretty sure I felt my first contraction. Once Macy came back in, I crawled back in bed and a few minutes later I felt the same thing. This went on for a while and all the while Jim was sleeping....Macy must have sensed something cause she followed me everywhere. I would walk around the house and she'd follow and then I'd lay back in bed and she'd curl up next to me. Then about 3:30am Jim woke up - he usually gets up around 4am for work, and finally said to him, "I think I'm having contractions." He said ok, and hung out with me for a while and I had already been timing them but they weren't consistent but they were certainly getting stronger. I called the hospital and told them that I thought I was having contractions. And since they weren't consistently timed apart they told me to take a hot shower and some tylenol and try to rest to see if they space back out or stop. So, that's what I did. Then Jim took a shower, and I said..."are you really planning on going to work?" I guess he didn't think it was real. He still showered and we just tried to rest in bed while I was continuing to have contractions. About 7:30am or so, my water broke. Then I called the hospital again and they told me to come in and they would test it to make sure. Well, by the time we got to the hospital it was still breaking and I was a mess and everyone knew we weren't going anywhere.

Finally, about 8:30 our nurse finally made it in. Apparently, they were short staffed and needed to call in extra staff to help out for the day. I was getting impatient cause my contractions were getting stronger and I was getting quite uncomfortable.

Everything progressed nicely throughout the day and everyone thought I'd be having the baby by early afternoon. And then, I stalled. I was having some incredible back labor and they discovered the head was turned slightly sideways - probably causing the back labor and baby was essentially stuck. They allowed me to "labor down" as they called it and gave me a break for a little while. The drug doctor couldn't get there fast enough. Dr. Winga also had to leave for about an hour in the afternoon for a presentation and was hoping that I would have had the baby before she left, or not until she returned. Thankfully, my little break was just what I needed....a little reprieve from the back labor and pain to give me enough strength to push later on. 

Dr. Winga was back and I was ready to push....I was in many different positions to find something more comfortable than on my back, I was squatting at one point, on my hands and knees, on my side...nothing really seemed to work. Jim massaged my back, which helped some...but ultimately, I needed that baby to be out of me! :) 

Finally, with a little help from suction....at 7:29pm, our little Blake David arrived weighing in at 9lbs 2oz and 22in long. My mom later told me they had to measure him twice cause they didn't think they were right the first time! :) He was a big, healthy, crying baby....a moment we had waited for since I found out I was pregnant the first time. 

We are over the moon in love with our little man and so happy to have him home with us! We miss his big brother Thomas, everyday....but having this hunk here eases that heartache ever so slightly. I think it's time we all believe in miracles...cause Blake is certainly ours!

Maternity Pictures

Here is a sneak peek at some of our favorite pictures we had done a few weeks back. We are so blessed to be having this baby and looking forward to meeting him/her.

While I feel like I've been pregnant for way too long and maybe complain too much about it, don't get me wrong, I certainly know how blessed we are to not have the struggles of some. But it still doesn't minimize how disconnected I am with this baby...I still fear the worst most days, but trying to enjoy the final weeks. The final weeks are hard, I'm not sleeping well, struggling to breath, and overall very uncomfortable. Jim and I are both looking forward to the next part and seeing our little family grow.

I can't thank all of you enough for the support and love over the past year....we'd be lost without most of you.

I can't begin to explain the emotions I've felt over the past 8 months, happy, sad, angry....you name it and I've felt it. I know people who have babies about the same age as Thomas and I will always wonder the what if moments and I will always wonder what he would be like at those same milestones. I often feel robbed of those moments and then blessed knowing I have this new baby coming. How does one begin to understand God's plan? I guess that's why we have to have faith that He is steering us in the right direction...I still wonder, did we try too soon? Were we really ready for this? I suppose if we weren't, God wouldn't have let it happen.

I'm not the most spiritual person, I don't go to church every week like I should and even sometimes want to....but I have to believe He is guiding me and that he is holding my Thomas near to Him each and every day, until we meet again.

35 1/2 Weeks

I've hit the 35 week mark, feeling huge and getting very uncomfortable. While I know most people love being pregnant I do not. We had a doctor appointment earlier in the week and all sounds good and is going as it should. We had some maternity pictures taken a few weeks back and waiting to see the final product to share them with you. But here is my 35 week picture and the few sneak peeks from the photographer from our session. 

4 1/2 weeks to go...but who's counting?

I also recently read a really great article about What the New Mom to a baby born after Baby Loss needs her Friends and Family to know....I'll highlight it here and share the link below. 

To be honest, I'm completely terrified about how I will feel after I have this baby...will the emotions of the last 10 months push me into depression or will I finally feel "okay" with how everything is "working out." Here are the points from the article that really hit home for me:

• I’m still grieving. You know what, you might think that everything should be better now that I have a living child in my arms, but can I tell you something that is hard to admit? Right now the grief seems even harder. It seemed to resurface and strike with a double punch in the gut this time. Now that the new baby is here I am reminded every day of what I missed with my child that died.
• I’m confused. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes I want to think that the baby in my arms is my baby that died. Now I’m not crazy, and I really don’t want that; it’s just confusing at times to hold one baby and miss another. Again it’s hard to explain; if you could please just listen without judgment when I talk about it, that would be great. Don’t worry, I know my dead child is never coming back and that this is a different baby, but it is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that without one there might not be another.
• At times I wish I had my other baby. It’s not that I don’t want this one. Believe me I have worked as hard as hell to get this baby here healthy and alive. It’s just that I wish my other one wouldn’t have died. What I really want is both. Does that make sense? Just nod your head quietly with empathic eyes, as in yes. I think that is what I need now.
• I’m still anxious and fearful. I’m still really scared. I am having a hard time shaking this anxiety that I carried around for nine months, and now I know that bad things do happen to good people for no reason, and I’m scared it might happen again. Some of this worry is normal, but if you notice that I start becoming obsessive in my worry thoughts or need to check on baby all the time to the point where I can’t sleep, please remind me that there are professionals out there that can help me determine if this is normal, or if I might be experiencing a postpardum mood or anxiety disorder.
• I still need support from other moms like me. I still need my bereaved mom friends. They get me in a way that no one else ever will. I don’t care if they have had subsequent children or pregnancies or not. I still need them because they get it. They understand. Please support me in still connecting with those who have been there. I hope they are there for life.
• I still miss my baby that died. I still miss everything that could have, should have, and would have been. Those thoughts don’t go away. They are still there. Also, I don’t want to forget her. I want to remember her, and sometimes remembering someone who is gone turns out to be in the form of missing. Missing my baby is okay with me.
• I still need you. Thanks for understanding.

Here's the link to full article if you'd like to read further or read more about Pregnancy After Loss...

http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.com/new-mom-baby-born-loss-needs-friends-loved-ones-know/

Thanks for visiting. Mom is definitely ready to meet this bundle that's rapidly growing! 

2 Year Anniversary ~ January 5th, 2015

Who knew when Jim and I met 41 months ago that we would be getting on such a wildly, wonderful rollercoaster. It's been an incredible 2 years of marriage, with everything you would expect. There has been a lot that has happened in these 41 months since we initially met and I just want to take some time to reflect on all things, good and bad....but, mostly the good.

August 11th, 2011 - the day we met for our first meal together. It wasn't anything fancy, after all, it was just Applebee's! :) It was a Thursday, I had the day off because my mom and I had went to the State Fair the night before to see Blake Shelton. Jim was working 3rd shift so we met for lunch. I remember I was nervous when I arrived, but I remember seeing Jim leaning against his motorcycle, waiting for me. Conversation was easy for us....although the 2 old fashions he had threw me off a little! It wasn't a long lunch, but long enough and easy enough that I knew I wanted to see him again. We said we'd talk soon and do something again soon.

Fast forward to November 2011, and we decided I may as well move in with him. I was in by Thanksgiving. Things were easy for us from the beginning, we had similar upbringings and similar families and it seemed everyone was as happy for us as we were.

April 6th, 2012 - Jim proposed. It was my 30th birthday. It was a Friday. I was not looking forward to turning 30 and he knew just how to make a girl feel better about it! I was surprised, considering he was supposed to be working when I got home. I had a hunch something was up because Macy was way too calm when I walked in the door. There were cards hanging from the track lighting and a dozen roses on the table and a final card instructing me to go upstairs for my final gift, which was Jim down on one knee! He made me so happy that day, and every day!

The wedding planning started soon after, and we decided January 5th, 2013 was going to be the day! We had other friends getting married in the fall of 2012 and decided we didn't want to wait another year, so a winter wedding it was to be.

January 5th, 2013 - Wedding Day. It was an incredibly beautiful winter day...no snow like I had hoped, but it wasn't below zero and the sun even made a brief appearance. They day went as planned and couldn't have been any more perfect.

June 2013 we enjoyed our honeymoon in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. The resort was fantastic and we thoroughly enjoyed the time away. We went with friends of ours and it was nice to have people to hang out with. We did a few excursions: zip lining, a helicopter ride, and parasailing and it was all fun but the zip lining provided some awesome views of the countryside. Most of the days were spent lounging by the pool/beach and just enjoying some much needed relaxation.

Helicopter Ride

On our way to zip lining

 

November 9th, 2013 - we found out we were pregnant. It was a very exciting time....we had been wanting it to happen for a while so we were beyond thrilled. We shared the news with everyone at Christmas time by having Jim were a t-shirt that said, "She's eating for two, I'm drinking for three." It took a while for some to catch on, but we were so thrilled to share the news!

January 5th, 2014 - our 1 year anniversary. We had some pictures taken by Oh!Photography to capture our one year anniversary and also a few reveal pictures to announce we were pregnant. We had so much fun...even though it was colder than I remembered.

March/April 2014 - These two months really changed our lives...and definitely provided one of the major lows since we had known each other. At our 20 week ultrasound we were told baby was measuring small and were referred to a specialist to take another look. So, at week 22 (March 14th, 2014) we saw the maternal fetal medicine doctor for a more in-depth ultrasound of baby. We were told after the ultrasound that baby had some "lethal" defects and wasn't going to make it. We found out through an amnio that he had Triploidy - which is an incredibly rare chromosome abnormality. A few weeks later, on April 1st, 2014 I was induced and delivered our sleeping angel, Thomas Norman. Our hearts were deflated and couldn't believe what was happening and had happened to us. Thankfully, we had a fantastic photographer there to capture our little man in the most precious way possible.

The time we got to spend with him will never feel like enough, but so glad I have these photos to look back on and remember. RIP my sleeping angel.

June 2014 - A California Wedding, we traveled to California for Jim's cousin's Aaron's wedding. We had a blast on the long weekend and so glad we could share in their day like they had shared in ours. We did a few touristy things while we were there as well and had a blast. 

July 5th, 2014 - We found out I was pregnant again! A much different feeling this time around, excited and so very nervous.

November 2014 - We accepted an offer on our house and started the hunt for a new one.

December 20th, 2014 - we bought a new and moved in! I don't have a lot of pictures yet of the new house but will share some soon!

As I said in the beginning of this very long post....it's been an incredible ride, with an incredible man by my side. I couldn't be happier in life than I am right now. I am ready for this new bundle to join our family in March and start another year of love, laughter, and happiness!